my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
