Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Someone shattered a urinal.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
