also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
