I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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