Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
