Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
