you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
