Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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