Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
