My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
