by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
