Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
