I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
