I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
