I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
