someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
