Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
