All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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