YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
