Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
