I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
