ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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