Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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