Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
