3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
