I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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