I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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