I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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