Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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