So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize