there's paper in my vomit.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
