I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
