i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
