Taylor Swift is so right about you.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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