she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
