wanna go halves on a baby?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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