Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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