Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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