I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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