let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize