I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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