the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
