i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
