I could make wine with my vomit
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
