I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
