She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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