i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
