all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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