i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Your penis caused this!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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