atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
