why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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