I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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