I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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