Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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