My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
