....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize