I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
